I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
I couldn't figure out how to put my seatbelt on. Then it 'clicked'.
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
I will tell you a joke about an elevator. It's an uplifting experience.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I just use my hands.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
Why were the dead batteries given away? They were free of charge.
I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
I tried to catch some fog yesterday. I mist.
Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
Why did the chicken go to the seance? To talk to the other side.
I used to be a train driver, but I got sidetracked.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
I used to be a gardener, but I couldn’t dig it.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it felt crummy.
I tried to learn fishing, but I couldn’t catch on.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a virus.
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? He needed space.
Why did the cat sit on the computer? To keep an eye on the mouse.
I was learning to be a photographer, but I lost focus.
I used to be a plumber, but the job drained me.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep.
Why do graveyards get overcrowded? Because people are dying to get in.
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Why can’t you give Elsa (Frosted) a balloon? Because she will let it go.
Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.
Why did the man put his money in the blender? Because he wanted to liquidate his assets.
Why was the belt arrested? Because it was holding up a pair of pants.
Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he knew all the shortcuts.
Why don’t cows have money? Because the farmers milk them dry.
Why did the chicken join a band? Because it already had drumsticks.
Why did the innocent picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Did you hear the calendar is very popular? It has a lot of dates.
Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road? Because it ran out of juice.
Why was the stadium so windy? Because of all the fans.
Why did the drunk bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard drinks were on the house.
Why don’t bananas ever get lonely? Because they hang out in bunches.
Did you hear about the man who geo fired from the calendar factory? He took a couple of days off.
Why don’t ghosts like rain? Because it dampens their spirits.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Why did the light bulb fail out of school? Because it wasn’t very bright.
Why can’t you play hide and seek with mountains? Because they always peak.
Why was the music teacher locked out of her classroom? Because she left the keys on the piano.
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to class? Because her students were so bright.